What to expect from a massage

My own personal experience ;-)

What to expect when you come to me for a massage:

Other than an incredible, out of this world, fantastic massage by a fat old fart with no teeth and a smokers wheeze .... well ok, now I AM bullshitting ...... but not about the fantastic massage bit lol, oh, and no offense to those toothless, wheezing fat old farts out there.

I will ask you the following questions:

  • Your reasons for getting a massage
  • Your current physical condition
  • Medical history
  • Lifestyle and stress level
  • Any areas of injury, etc .....
  • Style of massage and the strength level you are wanting
  • If you are female and ask for a full body massage, then I'll be asking you if that is to include the chest/breast area.

In general though when you visit any professional massage therapist you should .....

Be asked to undress in private and drape yourself with a sheet or towel provided for you (underwear is left on or off, at your discretion); then you’ll lie down on a comfortably padded massage table. Only the part of the body being worked on will be uncovered, and your modesty is respected.

Massage should take place in a comfortable and safe environment, generally away from the source of most stresses (although there’s nothing quite like a mid-afternoon massage at work).

You may decide to have a full body massage, or only in specific areas in case of a session orientated to localised injury, pain or tightness, or sports readiness. You and the practitioner will discuss the desired outcome of your session. This will determine which parts of your body require massage. A typical full body session will include work on your back, arms, legs, feet, hands, head, neck, and shoulders. You will not be touched on or near your genitals (male or female) or breasts (female).

Your only responsibilities are to give your therapist complete and accurate health information and to communicate with the therapist throughout the session regarding any discomfort or a sense of feeling uncomfortable should you experience it.

For more detailed information regarding what to expect see Massage FAQ

A personal account of my own experience when I indulged myself with getting a massage .... well that was a mistake !

I'll never forget a massage I had here in Melbourne many years ago now ....

I arrived at their studio out in the 'burbs out the back of buggery, heck, I'd not long moved over from Tasmania so anything that was more than a 30 minute drive to me was out the back of buggery. I didn't realise that 30 minutes in a car in Melbourne could just be traveling from one traffic light to another ! Anyway, I found my way to the studio with my newly acquired trusty Mel-ways only to find the room ice cold. I looked for dead bodies in case I'd some how stuffed up and found my way to the local morgue instead, but looking at the table it was definitely a massage table and not a 'lets cut up a dead body' prep table. It didn't stop me from shivering and I'd only taken off my shirt and t-shirt but already was showing signs my body was reading itself for a winter hibernation. The guy did put a heater on once I mentioned my nuts were heading back into my abdomen and my nipples were about to explode from the 'frost bite' though .... so that saved an awkward moment at the out patients ward.

He started massaging and I immediately recognised the warm up strokes, thank god, and then yes, the transition to the section when he would begin working on my back. Well 'would' soon turned to 'should' as it never really happened. I did ask him to go harder and get in deep but I got the reply 'oh, I don't want to hurt you'. Was he serious ? I told him that he could go in deeper and harder and I'd sure as hell let him know if he went too deep or hard (still talking massage here), and when he resumed massaging I felt a slight increase in strength but nothing overly noticeable unfortunately.

I indicated again where I wanted my strength but maybe his arms weren't that strong and he was in fear of his fingers snapping or maybe he'd just done his nails and didn't want to ruin them by doing a massage .... I don't know but I resigned myself to the fact that this wasn't going to be $70 well spent ;-(

More than enough time was spent on my butt, it's NOT huge, it wasn't sore and I certainly haven't got a Harry Potter novel tattooed on it for him to read ! In hind sight I wish he'd spent as much time on my back and shoulders as he did on my butt, but by that stage my thoughts were still wondering how such a pissy heater was going to heat up the huge room that I was in and whether I had found the morgue and this room was the spare room reserved for catastrophic disasters like maybe a bubonic plague break out. Surely though the friction from my vibrations due to the constant shivering would've been enough to cause heat enough to give me a toasty feeling lol.

The rest of the massage didn't really get any better for the tension and muscle fatigue that I was hoping to get relief for. So many things weren't 'right', even the towels were flimsy and getting rather thread bare.

Towards the end whilst he was still working on my chest and my nipples had finally got back to normal I heard a whole lot of coughing outside the door. It sounded quite unpleasant, not just for me but I reckon for the person out the door too. It sounded as though they were a heavy smoker and were about to cough up their lung, well, either that or it was a teenage boy going through their first medical in the practice next door ??

After 3 or 4 coughing fits and surely enough shit off their lungs to cement their driveway I had to ask what the hell was happening to that poor person with the 'cough of death'. To which my masseur replied 'oh that, that's just the owner letting me know that your time is up'.

I wasn't no time in getting off the massage bed, the jolt of which I think allowed my balls to drop back down from under my chin to where they're generally very content and happy were it not for the chill of the room. I dressed, paid my $70 and then left the room scanning the hallway floor for any bits of lung.

Back in the car ...... safe, heater on - check, seat belt on - check, decent music on - check, balls back to normal - check, home time.



All services are provided by a professional MALE Aesthetician, in a comfortable and private studio where discretion is paramount.  

0413 520 420

The Body Barber Melbourne, Australia



This is a professional body hair management clinic and in no way do I offer, or provide, sexual services.

Site Last Updated: 21/08/2018